Anger

Is it anger or more?

Not all anger is the same. When anger is expressed through violence and becomes a repeated pattern of abuse, it jeopardizes a healthy marriage. By definition, a healthy marriage is characterized, in part, by the absence of psychological or physical violence. Unfortunately, not every marriage is a healthy marriage.

Some individuals who visit the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center (NHMRC) Web site may be victims or potential victims of domestic violence. Some educators or community organizers who visit the site may have individuals and couples participating in their programs who are the targets of domestic violence.

Therefore, the NHMRC Web site includes information on domestic violence in the hope that we can direct those at risk to resources which can help them, and that we can assist educators and community organizations to build connections to local domestic violence resources in their communities.

Please note that internet activity can be tracked. If you are worried that someone may be monitoring the Web sites you visit, DO NOT proceed with this site. Please visit the site again from a safe computer (like a friend's computer or a computer in the public library) or call the NHMRC at 866-91-NHMRC for additional resources.

Topics on this Page:

What is Domestic Violence?
How Do I Identify Domestic Violence?
Where to Find Information on Domestic Violence
Additional Resources on Domestic Violence

What is Domestic Violence?

There are many terms used to describe violence and abuse within intimate relationships, including domestic violence, intimate partner violence, partner abuse, battering, and spouse abuse. Legal definitions of domestic violence also vary from state to state. However, we offer the following as a commonly used working definition:

Domestic violence or intimate partner violence is a pattern of abusive or coercive behaviors used against an intimate partner. Domestic violence can include physical violence, psychological abuse, sexual assault, social isolation, stalking, economic coercion, deprivation, and intimidation or threats. A hallmark of domestic violence is the perpetrator's strategic use of tactics to establish or maintain power and control over a current or former intimate partner.

How Do I Identify Domestic Violence?

Am I, or someone I care about, in an abusive relationship? The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides a set of questions that individuals can use to explore this issue. If there are one or more yes answers, the individual involved may be in a relationship that is physically, emotionally or sexually abusive.

Does your partner:

Embarrass you with put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions?
Tell you that you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
Force you to try and drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
Does not want you to work.
Controls finances or refuses to share money.
Punishes you by withholding affection.
Expects you to ask permission.
Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
Humiliates you in any way.

You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:

Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.
Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
Scared you by driving recklessly.
Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
Forced you to leave your home.
Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving.
Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
Hurt your children.
Used physical force in sexual situations.

You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:

Views women/men as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
Wants you to dress in a sexual way when not appropriate.
Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names.
Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts.
Held you down during sex.
Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you.
Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.
Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
Ignored your feelings regarding sex.

Where to Find Information on Domestic Violence

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-SAFE (7233)
(TTY) 800-787-3224

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a critical partner in meeting the safety and support needs of victims of domestic violence. A project of the Texas Council on Family Violence, the toll-free, 24-hour Hotline provides:

Crisis intervention services that help callers identify problems and possible solutions, including making plans for safety in an emergency.
Information for friends, families, social services professionals, community leaders and employers wanting to learn more about domestic violence and how they can help.
Referrals to local community-based domestic violence shelters and programs, social service agencies, legal programs, and other agencies and organizations.

State Domestic Violence Coalitions

State Domestic Violence Coalitions provide training and technical assistance and are centrally involved in the design and implementation of collaborative intervention and prevention activities with public agencies and other service providers within their states. They are an excellent source of information about state and local laws, protections and services for domestic violence victims.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides a list of state domestic violence coalitions and their contact information.

The National Domestic Violence Resource Network (DVRN)

The DVRN is a consortium of national centers providing guidance and expertise in key areas of practice and policy.

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112
Tel (800) 537-2238, TTY (800) 553-2508, Fax (717) 545-9456
Provides comprehensive information and resources, policy development, and technical assistance designed to enhance community response to and prevention of domestic violence.

Battered Women's Justice Project
Tel (800) 903-0111
Extension 1 Criminal Justice
Extension 2 Civil Justice
Extension 3 Defense
Provides training, technical assistance, and other resources on civil and criminal justice issues related to domestic violence through a partnership of three nationally-recognized organziations:

Criminal Justice Center
Minnesota Program Development, Inc.
2104 4th Avenue, Suite B
Minneapolis, MN 55404
Tel/TTY (612) 824-8768, Fax (612) 824-8965
Addresses the criminal justice system's response to domestic violence, including the development of batterers' programs.

Civil Justice Center
Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence
6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300
Harrisburg, PA 17112
Tel (717) 671-4767, TTY (800) 553-2508, Fax (717) 671-5542
Addresses civil court access and legal representation issues of battered women.

National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women
125 South 9th Street, Suite 302
Philadelphia, PA 19107
Tel (215) 351-0010, Fax (215) 351-0779
Addresses issues raised when battered women are accused of committing crimes.

National Domestic Violence Hotline
Post Office Box 161810
Austin, TX 78716
Hotline (800) 799-SAFE (7233), TTY (800) 787-3224
Administrative (512) 453-8117, Fax (512) 453-8541
Provides 24-hour, toll-free crisis intervention line, referrals to domestic violence and other emergency shelters and programs, and information about assistance networks and other resources to learn more about domestic violence.

National Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
383 Rhode Island Street, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133
Tel (888) Rx-ABUSE (792-2873), Fax (415) 252-8991
Provides resource and training materials, clinical tools, technical assistance, information and referrals, training and models for local, state, and national health policy-making for those interested in improving healthcare's response to domestic violence.

Resource Center on Domestic Violence: Child Protection and Custody
P.O. Box 8970
Reno, NV 89507
Tel (800) 52-PEACE (527-3223), Fax (775) 784-6160
Provides information, materials, consultation, and technical assistance related to child protection and custody within the context of domestic violence.

Sacred Circle, National Resource Center to End Violence Against Native Women
722 Saint Joseph Street
Rapid City, SD 57701
Tel (877) RED-ROAD (733-7623), Fax (605) 341-2472
Provides technical assistance, policy development, training institutes, and resource information regarding domestic violence and sexual assault to develop coordinated agency response in American Indian/Alaska Native tribal communities.

Additional Resources on Domestic Violence

The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides a large list of online resources
The National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women (VAWnet) provides links to research concerning domestic violence organized by topic
General Reference Materials on Domestic Violence, Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood
- It's Not Healthy If It's Not Safe: Responding to Domestic Violence Issues within Healthy Marriage Programs (PDF) , by Anne Menard, Director, National Resource Center on Domestic Violence and Oliver Williams, Ph.D., Director, Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community (2006)
- Building Bridges Between Healthy Marriage, Responsible Fatherhood, and Domestic Violence Programs: A Preliminary Guide (PDF) , by Theodora Ooms, Paula Roberts, Anne Menard et al. (2006)