Keeping your Marriage Strong

Marriages are ever changing relationships. Just as people grow, mature and become interested in different hobbies, careers and even kinds of food, a marriage changes too. The things that you needed out of your marriage as newlyweds may be very different from the supports you need from your twenty year old marriage.

Although marriages may change, commitment and communication remain the vital foundations of married life. Here you will learn tips for keeping your marriage strong, no matter what stage your marriage is in.

Topics on this Page:

Sustaining a Healthy Marriage
Things You Can do to Have a Healthy Marriage
Practical Tips
Romancing Your Partner on a Budget
Additional Resources

Sustaining a Healthy Marriage – The 3 "C's"

Three of the most important factors to sustaining a healthy marriage are the 3 "C's"- Companionship (or friendship), Communication (and problem solving), and Commitment.

Companionship (or friendship).

More and more, researchers are coming to think that at the heart of a healthy, successful marriage is a deep friendship. This means the two people have a deep respect for each other and sincerely enjoy each other's company. They know each other's likes and dislikes and their hopes, dreams, and fears. They regularly express appreciation and fondness for each other. They take time on a daily basis to "catch-up" and "reconnect." And they are partners. They see themselves as on the same team and share a vision of where they are going. 1

Communication and effective problem-solving.

Couples who can talk to each other and resolve differences in a positive manner are much more likely to have a healthy and successful marriage. Good communication involves things such as: avoiding harsh criticism and contempt; not being defensive or unwilling to discuss a problem; being humble and open to change; tarting a disagreement in a "soft" way rather than "blasting away"; and using appropriate humor to keep things "light." Effective problem-solving involves such things as: knowing that some problems can't be solved right now and learning to live with that; working on the differences and problems that are solvable; knowing when you need to calm down and disengage for a while to avoid saying or doing something hurtful; accepting differences and imperfections, and being willing to forgive; and being flexible and open to different solutions.2

Commitment

Commitment helps couples stay together despite temporary difficulties in their relationship because of the time and energy they have invested in the relationship. Most marriages go through hard times, but a large majority of couples who stick together through these hard times find happiness again. The security that commitment creates may help couples sacrifice for their relationship without resenting it. Commitment makes sacrifice possible because when individuals know that their relationship will continue, they are able to delay their own needs to meet another's because they know that their needs can be met later. Research suggests that people put "lack of commitment" as the most common reason for the failure of their marriage.3

Things You Can do to Have a Healthy Marriage

Marriage Education

Marriage education is based on the idea that all married couples will have predictable challenges and problems. People can prepare themselves for these situations by participating in a marriage education program. In these programs couples can learn to:
- Talk without fighting
- Solve problems
- Strengthen trust and commitment
- Take better care of each other
- And much more!
Interested? Finding a Marriage Education Program
Marriage Counseling

Research has shown that effective marital counseling or therapy can help married couples. Getting counseling from a licensed therapist who is experienced in working with couples or from a religious leader shows a couple's commitment to their marriage and is a sign of strength, not weakness. 4
However, exercise caution in choosing a counselor or therapist. The following guidelines can help. 5
- Find a therapist who supports marriage and is pro-commitment. If you decide to seek counseling about your marital troubles, either alone or with your spouse, make sure to find a counselor who will work to support your commitment to each other.
- Find a therapist who has the appropriate experience and expertise. Many therapists have not been trained to work with couples or deal specifically with marital problems. Before hiring a therapist, ask about his or her experience in working with couples and his or her approach to working with both spouses together. And, if violence is a problem, seek out a therapist with specialized training in working with this problem. 6
- Find a therapist who will challenge each of you about your contributions to the problems and pushes each of you to make individual changes to resolve the problem. Marriage problems are rarely one-sided. Typically, each spouse can make improvements in certain areas. Although the larger goals and focus of the counseling are on couple issues, the resolution of problems usually involves each spouse individually making changes to improve the situation. Therefore, if counseling is going to work, each spouse needs to enter counseling willing to work and make individual changes.
- See a therapist at the first sign of serious marital problems. Don't wait until the problems become so chronic and you become so discouraged that marriage counseling may not succeed. The longer you wait, the less likely it is that counseling will be able to help.

Practical Tips

There are some simple things you can do almost every day to maintain a good relationship. This resource provides couples a list of practical, everyday tips to strengthen and maintain a healthy marriage.

10 Things You Can do to Have a Healthy Marriage – National Healthy Marriage Resource Center (PDF - 64 KB)

Romancing Your Partner on a Budget

Time spent having fun together is a must for a healthy marriage. This tip sheet provides couples with creative ideas concerning ways to maintain their romantic relationship on a budget.

10 Things You Can do to Romance Your Partner on a Budget (PDF - 63 KB)

Additional Resources

Marriage Your First Year: Concerns of Newlyweds (PDF - 42 KB) - This article from the Mississippi State Cooperative Extension Services gives some tips for the first year of marriage to newlyweds.

The Alabama marriage handbook: keys to a healthy marriage (PDF - 2.55 MB) - Alabama A&M and Auburn Universities. As you enter into this new phase of your life, there are things you can do to help create the kind of marriage and family life everyone hopes for. This handbook is designed to share some of that information with you.

1 John M. Gottman & Nan Silver. (1999). The Seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown. Blaine J. Fowers. (2000). Beyond the myth of marital happiness. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

2 W. Kim Halford, Howard J. Markman, Galena H. Kline, & Scott M. Stanley. (2003). Best practice in couple relationship education. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29, 385-406. John M. Gottman & Nan Silver. (1999). The Seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown. Thomas N. Bradbury, Frank D. Fincham, & Steven R. H. Beach. (2000). Research on the nature and determinants of marital satisfaction: A decade review. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 964-980. John M. Gottman & Clifford I. Notarius. (2000). Decade review: Observing marital interaction. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 927-947. Andrew Christensen & Neil S. Jacobson. (2000). Reconcilable differences. New York: Guilford. Neil S. Jacobson & Andrew Christensen. (1996). Integrative couple therapy: Promoting acceptance and change. New York: W. W. Norton.

3 Scott M. Stanley (2003, November 13-14). Assessing couple and marital relationships: Beyond form and toward a deeper knowledge of function. Healthy Marriage Interventions and Evaluation symposium of the Measurement Issues in Family Demography Conference, Washington, D.C. Sarah W. Whitton, Scott M. Stanley, and Howard J. Markman (2002).

4 James H. Bray & Ernest N. Jouriles. (1995). Treatment of marital conflict and prevention of divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 21, 461-473.

5 Tamara T. Gilliland, Alan J. Hawkins, Glenda Christiaens, & Jason S. Carroll. (2002). Marriage Moments: Strengthening your marriage as you become parents, an activity guidebook. Provo, UT: Brigham Young University, Family Studies Center. William J. Doherty. (2001). Take back your marriage: Sticking together in a world that pulls us apart. New York: Guilford.

6 W. Kim Halford, Howard J. Markman, Galina H. Kline, & Scott M. Stanley. (2003). Best practices in couple relationship education. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29, 385-406.